CLOSURE
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-16
Published: 2012-07-02 00:45:36
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Drama, Tragedy, Hiei, Mukuro, HieiMukuro



Summary:
A daily routine gets disturbed by the end of a cycle. And possibly a new one begins. HieiMukuro elements.

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
So what do I have to say for myself? Well, So some things that have influenced this… So for those of you who don't give a rat's ass about my personal life please proceed to the next paragraph. About the flies bit… When my dog died (she was sixteen), I was horrified to see flies entering her body through her, well, anus. Just something. (My other dog who was two when she died still looks for her.) About Hiei's prophetic dreams… My dad has these. He had a dream some guy asked him where he was from and when he said, "Southside" the guy shot him. Same thing happened- guy asked him where he was from but in reality, my dad's friend told the guy somewhere else. And another time, my dad was going to go to Germany for the army and he was talking to his brother, thinking "This will be the last time I see him again." When it happened in real life, same thing ran through his mind. (My uncle was shot not long after.) What really gets me about this one (I really cried) was how much Mukuro was lying to herself and how much she loved him. (And hell, how much he really loved her.) Also- "Silent Lucidity" and "No Good Deed" both had a huge influence on this. You probably can't tell. Also… It's up to you whether she really did kill herself or if she went on. What, I'm not telling you what I think. I already told you one thing too many in the beginning. Oh yeah, and I'm done doing research. I almost puked too. (The only one I couldn't look up pictures for was the poked out eye. I was on the first page and I already knew it wasn't worth it.) It's not until you copy something a bunch of times that you realize how weird a word is. By the way, it had a point, you grammar nazis. I know this was weird, but thanks for reading this. (…You feel that emptiness in your gut? That's your soul I just crushed. Just wanted to say that.) Thanks for your time. This was not for your purchase.


CLOSURE

He'd been talking of leaving for a few weeks. He told her one day that he would. Since that first time he mentioned it, at the time as nothing more than just an aside. It was an off and on conversation- though it was more of a conversation with the walls than it was with her. Initially, it was begging for a response and it slowly became where the silences filled in for her thoughts. That last time he didn't exactly look her in the eyes as the words came from his mouth. Not until the end when it was too late, anyway. That was all in the few weeks when everything started to turn sour after that initial peak. (Was there a reason why it ended the way it did? No, it was just)

The next day he didn't come back to the room. That day, she didn't even bother to look for him, or even to wonder if he was coming back. The day after that she was asked where he went. (Who was it that asked again? Hell, the face doesn't even register in her memories anymore.) She told them to forget about him. That they could go on without him. (That she could go on without him.) They looked at her with questioning eyes, knowing that there was something more that they should know, begging to know what they weren't told. She didn't even want to give them the benefit of knowing there was something more. Nothing more was said. There were no further questions on the matter; they probably assumed that he was dead. That's probably the best way to go. Assume the worst. Just perfect.

If that were true and he did die, he would have been just another life. One life out of the larger group is nothing more than a casualty. If Hiei died, he would have been one of a thousand helpless souls. Five will notice, maybe more than five, and one of them lives here.

In any case, whatever happened to him after he left, it didn't matter. That was his life without her. Right here, right now was her life without him. Both sides of the story from this point didn't concern the other at all. Besides that, she expected him to leave anyway. He would have gotten bored living there and being with her. That euphoria between them would have to wear out at some point. Nothing is forever. And something like this is definitely not forever.

She walked out that day, just as she always had, to take in something that wasn't the same bland walls she had to stare at every day and to actually breathe fresh air not tainted by god knows what was in the building. Stepping out in the open, there was that overflowing feeling of freedom… She vaguely remembered the times when he walked at her side before. Back when walking wasn't even the focus. Everything but him was just scenery and when they realized that they were walking, the day was half over and they were one step away from being lost. And it didn't matter at all…

But those days are over, and she knew it. No need to dwell on it. No need to beg for its return. Begging never gets you what you really want or what you really need. But she still walked, trying to douse away those useless emotions and useless desires, those pangs of loneliness. It's nothing she hasn't already felt. People come and go. Isn't it obvious? She doesn't need someone to hold her hand when she's out like this. She isn't dependent or some lovesick idiot. That just isn't who she is.

Why does this path feel different? It's the same way I go everyday. There really is something wrong with me, isn't there? She would have slapped herself. Or maybe she didn't get enough sleep that night. Hell, that works just fine.

At what was probably the midpoint of the trail, Mukuro found a body lying facedown on the path, a small pool of blood surrounding it, a trail of ants crawling to the body and a large group of flies piling up on it. It was a fresh corpse by the look of it, though it wasn't fresh enough for the blood to keep leaking out of the wounds. Her heart was starting to pound just looking at it. It's just a dead animal. A black cat or a black wolf, one of the two. I'll just push it out of the way when I get there.

It's just a life, she thought. She needed something to stop her heart, whatever the hell it was that was making it pound. A life. One in a thousand deaths. Just the way everyone thinks. (And only a small percentage of the population will feel the pain.)

As she approached it, the animal's corpse became more and more humanoid and more and more familiar, and her heart started pounding harder. She started to feel it pounding in her ears. But it's just a cat. It's just a wolf. There's no reason that that corpse should hold any sort of familiarity. She never owned any pets or anything. That the body gains more of a humanoid appearance every step she takes was a lie, just a trick of the eyes. The shading on this pathway is terrible anyway. It's no surprise her eyes would do something like that. Only one eye she had could be considered accurate anyway. The other was barely even useful. (Hell, the lens she had on over that eye was barely enough to compensate for how much her vision went to shit there.) It's just an animal's body. Nothing more. There's no reason to worry in the first place. Emotion is blinding.

Damn it, am I really that hopeless that I think something like that is…? His life without her didn't concern her. Her life without him didn't concern him.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

Or maybe she liked animals more than she thought she did. That has to be it. Dead bodies never disturbed her until now because she never loved animals as much as she does now. She's not so emotionally drowned that she can't see a damn thing as an animal.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just a cat. It's just a wolf.

It's just

It's just

It's just

Not

A

Cat

Not

A

Wolf

When she finally approached the body, she saw that it was indeed a person lying facedown in the path in a pool of his hellish deep red blood. The blade was still in his hand, and he was clutching it tightly like it was all he had left. Judging by the way he was laying out there, it was probably all this faceless man had left in his last moments. Actually this man had dark hair like Hi-… Don't make assumptions. It's all coincidental. In fact, she'll roll it over to see that she was just imagining it. (To be sure that she's not imagining it.) Besides, plenty of people have dark hair. It's a scientific fact. Walk out anywhere and you'll find hundreds of dark haired people out there. She'll roll it over and see that it's someone she doesn't know and then she'll feel like a real fool. Hell, she'll probably see the cat-wolf facing her and its mouth will be open wide laughing at her and her stupidity. If Hiei were here, he'd say he'd want her to beat her head into a tree until she gets her mind back in place. You know, after he mocks her as long as he wants to.

Mukuro didn't touch it with her bare hands. Something told her that she didn't want to. (She never wanted to deal with the bodies she was done with anyway. It's programmed into people that corpses are something they don't really want to deal with anyway.) With her foot, she pushed it slightly, but it wouldn't budge. She didn't want to kick it over. Something told her she shouldn't do that to this person, whoever they were. She swatted the flies away in thought. She sighed and rolled her eyes, and going against all the whining thoughts in her head told her, crouched down and rolled it over so its slightly raspberry colored face was showing. And she saw that the slightly discolored face was

It was his.

They ripped his body open right down the middle of his abdomen, exposing the white- pink of the lungs, one of which was punctured and squished in his chest as though the murderer had kicked it. It was heaving- no, she was lying. It wasn't even moving. (It can't be moving right now he's NO HE IS N) His heart wasn't even beating and she knew damn well that it wasn't. Somehow she could still see it pulsing. The deep red and blacks of the digestive tract stared up at her. His intestines slid out of his body every second she stood there, and they looked as though someone had stepped on them then shoved them back in his body. Swallowing vomit down, she watched in horror as the flies started to crawl down into his open mouth, down his throat, down in his exposed eye socket. She watched as the ants returned to their order after their disruption.

Enough. She reached out, shoved the eyeball in the socket, feeling uncomfortably its squishing in her shaky hands, trying to avoid being aware of it hanging from the nerve. Once it was back in the socket, she closed the eyes and rolled him over, not wanting to see any more proof that he had been in pain in the events leading to his death. He had been dead for a few

No. Don't say that. Don't.

Don't say that he's dead. He's not. He's out there walking. This isn't him. This isn't him. This isn't him. Don't you even say that he's

...

"People cry too much," Hiei said. Mukuro glanced at him. He was sitting in the chair, his feet on the table (I really wish he would get his feet off that damn table.) in that almost condescendingly relaxed way and his eyes were half-closed like he was just trying to keep himself from falling asleep. From the way he started to stare at her, she realized that she should respond and shrugged. "No, I mean as in real crying with tears, not that people bitch too much is what I meant. Though people do that too much too."

"It can be justified," Mukuro said.

He cocked a brow though he refused to question it. "I'm sure it used to. But right now, it's like saying I love you. People do it so much it doesn't have a meaning any more. It makes me sick."

"That's awfully romantic of you."

"Shut up."

"What, you've never cried before?"

"Have you?"

"Not since I was small."

"I never have. Ever."

Sure you have. "Not even on the verge of tears?"

"No."

"Tch, you're lying."

"What's it matter? You know what I'm trying to say. Hell'd probably freeze over when you break into tears."

"Don't forget the opening of worm holes."

"Of what?"

...

Her face was soaked with tears before she was aware that she was crying. She wasn't even aware of her blurred vision or the stinging in her eyes until that point. She put a hand on her cheek in disbelief and looked at her fingers and watched the tears roll off them. Hell'd probably freeze over when

If I were really that stupid, I would be thinking that this was just another ugly nightmare and I'd wake up any moment right now… And God how she wished she were that stupid.

Sometimes ignorance really was fucking orgasmic.

...

Hiei woke up early in the evening. Mukuro could see the dream he just escaped really got to him. He was clutching at his throat like he was gasping for air. Hell, he was probably one step away from sweating and hyperventilating. After a few moments, he became aware of the weight of Mukuro's stare but he didn't look at her.

"There's nothing wrong with me so there's no reason to be concerned," he quickly said, his eyes shifting in every direction but never at her. She didn't say anything, finding his anxiety unsettling in itself. He slid back in the chair, in an almost backbreaking slouch, and he sighed.

"Hiei, come lay down here," Mukuro said.

"I'm not a child."

"It would help you relax."

"Like I just said. I don't need to sleep in someone else's bed because I had a nightmare or something."

"Well, it'll help you relax more than slouching in a chair like you are." He looked down at the chair, sighed, and walked over. Then climbed into bed after a slight hesitation. She continued to sit at the foot of the bed, staring at the wall as she listened to his settling in. She almost turned around when she heard him rolling over, trying too hard to get comfortable. After a few moments of the anxiety sitting in suspended animation between them, she looked over her shoulder. His back was turned towards her. She knew why. She looked away again. "…So do you want to talk about it at all?"

"What, do you like to talk about feelings now? You also want to know how my day was too? Oh wait, you already ask that. Not so different, is it? Fucking…"

"You know that's not why I'm asking. And you know that's why I ask that other question either."

"What's it matter? The result'll be the same anyway."

"Well, I'm just saying…" She turned around, reaching out to touch him. Then she paused. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

He rolled over and looked at her like she was stupid. "Since when do we have to ask permission before we touch each other? You never asked before. Besides that we're both in the same bed anyway."

"I don't even want to know what you're implying by that."

"You know what I mean by that. …So you see nothing weird about this situation."

"You're missing the point, you know that?" She put a hand on his shoulder, clutched it for a moment, then softened her grasp. "If you just get it out of you you'll start…"

"It doesn't matter. It just doesn't." He slapped her hand away as he sat up, his back still to her. "It'll just end up going the same way it always does. And as long as I take the time to make sure it stays false, it won't have to matter. It's just a dream and it's over now."

"What do you mean by that it always does?"

He cocked a brow at her and he sighed. "Fine. I've had these dreams and it'll somehow come true but not really." He looked at her again, knowing she didn't understand. "Okay. Once I had this dream that I was cornered by this guy and this was not long after my surgery so I was pretty weak, for the record, and he was pretty strong and he asked me where I was from. I told him I was from Raizen's territory and he blew me to pieces. A few months later, same thing happens. Guy has me in the corner, I don't have a weapon on me to really fight back and he asks me where I'm from. I lied and told him Grandara and he turned around and walked away. And this other time I killed Tarukane for what he did to Yukina and Spirit World came in and put me to death. That's why I didn't kill him that day. And when I was going to leave, I had this dream that I should say something to her- Yukina- because it was going to be the last time I'll see her. Same thought ran through my mind when I was leaving. Does it make any sense now?"

"Well, sure, but I want you to know it's not the last time you'll see her. You could always leave."

"If you never revived me, it would have been. The way you keep mentioning that it's like you really want me to go."

"No." He laid back down as she said this. "I just don't want you feeling like you're chained down and that you have to stay with me. It's nice that you're still with me." She laid back too.

Hiei glanced at her. "This is too strange." He sat up.

"Just lay down."

"Fine. I won't touch you though."

"That's even better because I will hurt you if you do."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"I'm putting all my cards on the table. What's yours?"

He groaned as he laid back.

A few moments passed, and with her eyes still to the ceiling, she asked, "So what was the case this time?" She turned to him when he was silent. "I'm going to guess you're going to say that it doesn't concern me." And the unspoken agreement was that it would. It also looked like his opt out was out of the question.

He could have just not answered. It might have been better if he didn't answer. He glanced at her and then turned his eyes to the ceiling. "I died. And you found my body maybe three hours later." He shut his eyes and sighed. "I lied. I'm being honest right now. I lied."

No, he didn't. They both knew he didn't. And they both knew that the other was aware of the lie. Another unspoken agreement, but this one didn't follow through. "I know you did. You should give yourself a break and be honest."

"…I saw how you died. That was the first part. And y- I found the body. And you, I mean, I just sat there for the longest time. And I took the blade and thought about killing y- myself. I just hope that you, I-fuck!- have enough sense to go on without m- you."

"You don't…" She sighed. "You don't have to worry about it. I won't get myself killed. And you could live without me."

"…Not really."

Who was he speaking for now? "Right now you think so. But you will be able to live on. I know you will."

...

There was dirt under her nails before she knew it. She could feel it packing tighter and tighter under them, shoving the cuticles down, and she could feel the miniature trenches she created in the dirt. How long had she been sitting there like that? How long had she been clawing at the ground?

But shit… This is so backwards. I was supposed to die first and you were supposed to be the one who lives on…

But hell, whose fault was it that it had to happen? It's like a twisted version of the unfaithful wife who gets knifed by a random assassin. The question would then be who the one at fault is since there must always be someone at fault. The practical person would say that it would be the person, (or people-most likely that here and now) who had the weapon in their hand. The poetic justice advocate would say it was the wife (here and now: H-) for going out the way they did. The out-of-the-box thinker would say it was the husband (here and now: her) who forced the other to go out like that.

And who was she kidding? She saw the signs. She could have been more persistent and made him tell her what was really going on. Why didn't she?

...

Hiei walked in that day, took his usual spot in the chair and started to drift off just like he always did. He slid further into the chair and shifted uncomfortably.

"What'd you do?" Mukuro asked.

"What do you mean," Hiei said, more of a statement than a question. In fact, he wanted that last bit of poison to cut it all off.

But that wasn't enough poison. "You look torn up is what I meant."

"I always look like this."

"Okay, if that's the case, then why is there a bruise on your left cheek? That's not a birthmark. I know what you look like."

He unconsciously put a hand on his cheek and cringed when he put a bit of pressure on it. "I fell off a tree when I was sleeping and I hit a rock. There's nothing that you need to worry about."

Mukuro knew a thing or two about bruises. She's had plenty in her life. She also knew a thing or two about being assaulted by a blunt object. "You know- that's fine."

"Meaning what?"

"You know what."

"No, I don't."

She got out of bed and started to walk out. "You don't have to lie about stuff like this to me. I can understand whatever it is that's going on. I'm not condemning you. You shouldn't even lie about this kind of thing at all."

...

Hiei walked in the room and laid down next to her. Their backs were pointed at each other and they stayed that way for a moment, the silence leaving an empty gap between them, growing larger by the second.

"You know you could always leave?" Mukuro asked.

"You always ask me that and I always ask you the same question. Do you really want me to leave?" Hiei asked.

"I don't want you to go. I really don't. I'm happy the way things are. But it's just like I keep telling you- I don't want you to feel like you're just that tied down here. I don't know why you stay here if…" No, she knew the reason why he does. He's just not loose enough in the head to say it. Neither is she.

"Because where I'll go, you won't be there. It's corny as fuck and I know you only hear shit like that in some bad romance or something like that but that's the only way I can put it. I'm sure if I asked you why you want me here I'm sure you'd say something that's just as bad. Hell, you might say the same thing."

"Uh… No, I won't."

"Tch. Bullshit."

"…You really need to watch your language sometimes."

He rolled over and with every word that came from his mouth, he jabbed her back with a finger. "Fuck cocks dicks shit goddamn fucking bitch cunts tits ass piss. And fuck the fucking fuckers."

"That didn't make any sense." There was another long silence. "But really, Hiei. If you're so bored here, then you can just leave. You don't really need me and you can go on without me if need be."

"None of that's true. The first part is. …Okay, maybe we really don't need each other. But I want to be here because I want to be here with you. Because you know something? I think I l- …Okay, you really need to stop me. I can smell the shit I'm spewing."

Why does that hurt? "But that's not the point, Hiei. Why are you coming back looking beat up? You're not really as happy as you think if you're going around picking fights."

"I'm not picking fights. It's just dumb luck."

"Whatever you want to call it. But you still don't need to be fighting like you are. You come home more and more beat up. I don't think you're trying anymore."

He rolled her over and pulled her so she would face him. He stared down at her, figuring out the next move. Then he shook his head. "Okay, you got me. I've been doing that, but I'm not the ones picking fights. They see me, know who I am and what I've been up to, and they challenge me. I can't walk away from a challenge. Can you?"

"Then just go back to the Human World until it calms down."

"It won't. You're getting weak, Mukuro, you know that?"

"I'm not being weak. I'm just worried about you. You shouldn't be coming back torn apart like this. If this is an ongoing problem, I don't think… Just don't do it anymore. If you're not going to try, then just stop fighting."

"As soon as I stop breathing."

"Then just…"

"Just…!" He put a hand on her mouth to silence her. "Shut the hell..." After a few seconds, he looked at her and took his hand away. There was more silence. He mumbled some apology and it stayed silent. He glanced at her again. Apparently he felt that space also needed to be closed.

...

And that was the first and maybe the only secret left hanging in between them. Hell, there may have been others that arose that were actually more carefully hidden but this one was the only one that mattered. She knew that she could have pressed further. She knew she could go through his memories while he was asleep and unaware. But she didn't. For some reason it didn't feel right to go that route.

Would have

Could have

Should have

are different from

what

I

really

did.

And most of us

think more than what

we really do.

Every night he would come to bed and every night there was that pregnant silence. Neither touched it. It would hurt too much. Neither wanted to acknowledge that growing that growing beast between them. They forgot it so they could move on just a little bit. They wanted to ignore that space and as long as there was that denial, they could believe that nothing was going on.

His touches were empty, regardless of the amount of emotion behind it and regardless of how it made her feel. His words were empty regardless of where it took them. Everything he did for her from that point on in the end it was empty. But they were both able to ignore it just for the moment and it was just like ignorance- fucking orgasmic.

But as long as that lie and denial remained, there was emptiness.

...

About six months later, he walked in the room on his break, and he said, "Maybe I should just leave."

She didn't say anything.

...

His touches were slowly starting to get more rough than necessary.

...

A couple of weeks later, she didn't let him touch her.

It didn't really matter anyway. He wasn't exactly enjoying touching her anymore. It was becoming more of an obligation and he had too much running through his mind, apparently. Catching his attention at that point too took much effort. That denial seeped in too deep.

...

"I'm leaving," Hiei said when he walked in. He didn't even go in the chair. He just walked in.

She didn't respond.

"I'm leaving you."

"Then go," she replied.

"I won't come back for…"

"Go. Just go then. I don't care. You don't need to tell me."

"I'm come back at some point." He didn't even bother to look at her until that point, but that was the point where she looked away.

"You're so full of shit. If you want to go, then go. Don't start saying things because you know that it'll make me feel better. I don't give a flying fuck why you're leaving or where you're going or whether or not you'll have second thoughts and come back. Just get the fuck out. I really don't care."

"But you know it does bother you."

"Maybe it does. It doesn't matter to you. Whatever it is I might be feeling right now doesn't concern you just like your decision to leave doesn't concern me."

"So you'd rather I just disappear like I absolutely never want to see you again?"

"I'm not stupid. I can figure it out."

"You're missing the… I'm coming back for you."

"No, you're not." He put a hand on her shoulder. Then he put his hand on her cheek to turn her head his direction. "Don't you put your hands on me. If you put your hands on me again, I swear that I'll…"

"Really. That's what you have to say for yourself?" He pulled his hand away and he stared at it like she slapped it away. He clenched it, not taking his eyes off her. "Who said I was leaving for good and who said I wasn't in this anymore? Who said we can't still be the way we were? Who said that we can't just fix what we broke? Who said that it was all over between us? Who said that whatever feelings I may have had when I was with you wasn't real? Hell, who even said that I didn't love you anymore? You want to know who said all this? No one. The only one who gave up was you." She really didn't want to look at him. It would be suicide if she looked at him. "I'm telling you I'm coming back after I clear all this shit I got myself into is over. That's a promise. I know you don't wanna hold me accountable for that so as far as I'm concerned, it's a one sided promise. But when I come back and if you haven't forgiven me for the stupid shit I've done, then I don't know why I kept my faith in you because I'd've already forgiven you. And I'll still be the only one wanting this to be the way things were when… I really wish you could give me the benefit of the doubt and at least look at me." She could hear the desperation in his voice at this point. "I won't leave if you look up. If you look up for even a second, I'll come back tomorrow."

But she didn't. She could hear him swallowing and then she heard him turn around start to walk to the door. And she wished she had at least watched him go out the door.

...

There's too much denial and not enough acceptance. Here. And then. Now was the time to admit reality. If we hadn't denied anything and let it all out in the open, would this have happened?

Don't ask what ifs or any kind of ifs. Nothing gets done on an if. People cry because of ifs. People die on ifs, especially if onlys.

Don't ask ifs.

Just don't.

Hiei still had the blade in his hand. From the looks of it, he didn't really fight back. Maybe he was having too much fun toying with them that he lost in the end. Or the less likely case, he was so sure he wouldn't be forgiven that he let himself be killed. How it happened doesn't matter. What matters is the outcome. She couldn't find it in herself to see what happened or what went through his head as he was dying.

Imagining the faces of those who would have wanted to know of Hiei's death she took the blade from his hand- rigor mortis was really starting to set in at this point and she noticed uncomfortably that (It used to be so warm vague memories of "You can't sleep here." "Why not?" "It's summer and it's hot outside and your body's hot." "Well, I didn't choose my father wisely. And I kept you warm in the winter so it's all fair.") his body was getting colder. She held the blade in her hand and ran a finger along it, watching as her blood started to roll along, vaguely aware of the stinging pain from the cut. She was also vaguely aware that this was the same blade he had pointed at her throat almost an eternity ago.

…Curiosity (it kills the) set in. She had to ask… Just that one moment before…

...

Why is it that I don't want to die anymore?

Fuck it's cold.

No I know why I don't want to go, who am I kidding? But this isn't how it was supposed to be. Goddamn it's colder

I was supposed to go back to her and it'll be the last time that I go back because I was going to stay there. I was happy there… I don't want her to hate me. I don't want it to end like those other times. I don't know why and I don't understand why it is. I just don't.

But if it has to end this way

I'm fucking freezing

No it ended this way because I never took actions against this happening. It's all my fault once again.

But if it has to end this way

But if it has to end this way I hope she does hate me. That way it won't be as painful for her if she finds me.

its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold But I was so close to

...

I'd rather go to the next world with him than to be in this one without him. She started at the blade and her red-eyed reflection. I really wish I could hate you for all this. I really wish I could, Hiei. But I can't.

If I do it, I'd probably regret it. If I don't I'll probably regret it. The hell is wrong with me, I can't even weigh possibilities anymore. I can't even think anything through. Goddamn it, I'm back right where I started again when it's all weighed on emotion. But what the hell can I do now? What the hell is left for me anymore? Should I just wait for the light to come or should I just not let the waiting torture me?

What the hell do I do? I can't lie anymore. I don't want to lie anymore. When people lie…

I can't reject reality anymore. I have no reason to anymore.

She took the blade and held it to her throat. Holding it there, feeling the pressure as she swallowed the lump in her throat. And for a moment she thought about it… Just for a moment.

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