Behind Blue Eyes
Author: japancat
Content Rating: PT
Published: 2012-07-02 01:12:21
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Romance, Angst, Mukuro, Hiei, HieiMukuro



Summary:
Mukuro's thoughts about her relationship with Hiei. HM

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
Don't own Yuyu Hakusho... Also, yes, Mukuro means something like corpse or body. Yet another old one.


My name is Mukuro. I used to think my name suited me. It described what I basically was. The day I died was the day I poured acid on myself to free myself from my father. Even though I had escaped him, it didn't mean I got my life back. My life continued to be drained away as a slave. In truth, all I was was a corpse. In those days I hungered for freedom and the life I lost.

I did escape slavery psychically, but as you put it, I was shackled to my past mentally. Then I started killing as if it could help me get my life back. Still... Watching their dead bodies fall dead to the ground never seemed to satisfy me. I used to look at them for a second and think that that was what my eyes must look like- empty. I spent years trying to find some way to get the life I never had back but all those times I tried never worked. It was like there was nothing to live for. Everything always seemed just out of my reach.

I considered killing myself. But no... I didn't want to be my own killer. I continued going on trying to tell myself there was a way to get to the unreachable life...

"So then what?"

Then... Then I was able to rise above everyone as a king. Even then I wasn't satisfied. I asked myself why once. That was when I realized I was still without a soul. ...Without a real life.

Do you remember the day you asked me why I fell and let my power go when I could have kept it so easily? I fell because you fell. Did you ever think of that? Or did you only think it was because I couldn't like everyone else?

Since the day the tournament ended, you've looked at me with pity. (But am I really sure that's what it is?) Why? If I wanted pity, I wouldn't be able to stand on my own feet. I would be held up by my own self-pity, making myself stay in that roadblock. I don't want-or need-your pity. Still you pretend as if that hasn't even crossed your mind. When my back is turned and when you think I'm not looking, I know what you're thinking and I know you're looking at me like that.

Why can't you say it to my face you do? Deny it all you want, Hiei, but I do know the truth. So you can continue telling yourself I don't know I won't find out what you're thinking...

Still...

I know you've been thinking this whole thing over too much. You think it over so much that you fail to see what I've put right before your eyes. The harder you try to understand me, the less you actually take in from me. Don't you understand that?

I've called you a thousand times but you've never once answered. Why? And I know you think I'm an idiot for smiling when I see you. What can I say...? Would you say the same if it were the other way around? You still don't get it...

You don't see it do you?

"No."

Is it your own freedom you want? You already have it. I'm not chaining you down to stay with me when I escaped that kind of fate.

"No. That's not it either."

Then what is it? Why is it that...?

"I don't know... Why do you have to ask?"

I guess you've thought it over so much that you never understood what I said the countless times I've told you before.

So I'll say it once more to make sure it reaches your ears: "I love you."

Funny how love makes you do stupid things.

...And I just suppose it got to you, too.

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