Twd4L CH1 Saturday the Fourteenth
Author: japancat
Content Rating: T-13
Published: 2012-07-18 00:18:23
Tags: Yu Yu Hakusho, Romance, Humor, Hiei, Mukuro



Summary:
It is Valentine's Day. And Hiei is pressured to do something for Mukuro.

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:
Not some of my best stuff, but I like the nostalgia I get from this. This is in the future so everyone can drink. Also, why do people scream during love scenes in fanfiction? Not that I should know....
Chapter 1
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"It's that time of the year again..." Yusuke whisper to Kurama, Kuwabara and Hiei as if it were the greatest secret man was never to know which gathered him long blank stares. He sighed and shook his head at their response. "Don't tell me you don't know what today is!"

"March first?" Kurama replied questioningly as he glared at his calendar which depicted a bunch of constipated looking a bunch of constipated looking British lords on a hunt with their deranged dogs alongside their horses.

Yusuke looked at Kurama with dismay. "No! It's February Fourteenth! Valentine's day!" He looked at the calendar. "Why does it...? What the hell...? Why to you have a calendar from 1989?"

"It was a good year for me. Why do you ask?"

"What's the big deal?" Hiei asked sarcastically as he cocked a brow.

"You don't know the story of Valentines Day?" Kuwabara asked.

"No I asked for the purpose of Zen Buddhism."

"Whatever. In I think it was 635 AD or BC, whenever the Romans were around, there was a king who took away marriages and engagements because he needed men for war. But then Saint Valentine married couples in secret. But when the king found out about this he had him executed on February fourteenth. And that became a day of love and confession! And... And... Sometime in the '40's (or was it the '20's? I forgot.) a chocolate factory exploited their chocolate amongst women on this day and that was when it became a custom to give chocolates to your crush! For the girls anyway! And that's why I'm giving chocolate to my one and only love, my snow princess, Yukina!"

"That's not feminine, Kuwabara." Sarcastically.

"One of these days, Shorty! One of these days- BANG, ZOOM, straight to the moon!" He shook his fist at him.

"That was mildly inappropriate. But you get the picture," Yusuke added. "But man, I'm going to get so drunk off chocolate!" If that were possible, anyway.

"Really..." Kurama said slightly laced with sarcasm.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, nothing but... Keiko might get jealous with all the competition and..."

"Is it her or you?"

"For the last time I am not gay."

"So what're you gonna do for Mukuro?" Yusuke asked as he turned to Hiei who rolled his eyes, obviously not amused.

"I'll be damned if I do anything that ridiculous for her. Besides we're demons. We don't care," Hiei growled.

"See, you're what's wrong with this country, hell, with this world! You're the reason why men beat their wives! You're the reason kids cry! You're the reason why everybody in this room thinks Kurama is gay!" ("Oh come on!" Kurama growled. He started to pout in his own corner.)

"Well she doesn't expect me to do stupid stuff for her! And she doesn't do stupid stuff like that for me either! So why should I do anything for her!" Hiei crossed his arms.

"Maybe she's waiting for you to make the first move," Kuwabara broke in.

"Mukuro is the type of person that if she wants something done, she does it herself! Why would I do something for her that she can do herself? And if she does want me to do something for her she would have asked. But she does neither and therefore doesn't want nor does she expect anything of me."

"No women are complicated like that. They expect stuff from you but don't ask for it. That's why it's called 'expected'. And if you don't do anything for her what are you going to tell your kids?!" Yusuke argued, swinging his arms like he was trying to fly or something.

"Mukuro's barren. What's it matter?"

"That's sick. How do you even know?"

"Malnutrition does that to you. So she says."

"What got you on that topic?"

"Why does it matter and for that matter, why is it any business of yours?"

"Whatever. But you still need to do something for Mukuro get her something nice."

"I'm telling you. She doesn't want anything!"

"So what do you do for her birthday? Not even a cheap little cupcake with a candle on it that you found on the ground somewhere with the name 'Billy Bob Thorton' licked off so all she sees is 'Happy birthday you son of a bitch' so then you smack your forehead for not licking off the 'You son of a bitch part' and blame it one 'the guys' (Whoever they are where you work... If what you do counts as work... For the sake of argument let's say it does.) and just give her a handshake to make up for it all?"

"You know something? She was raped on her birthday! Every single goddamn year until she was seven. I think she's had it with that shit for a long time. But does that change the fact that her name's spelled wrong on wikipedia? No! And one more thing she doesn't care about mine (But the reason behind that is because I don't even know my birthday anyway.) so there's no reason she should care about mine."

"Really...?" Kurama broke in. "To start of I'm going to have to say that's kind of sad really. She kind of deserves some extra treatment if she really was treated that badly. I mean she must be on the short end of the stick all of the time because if she screws up once everybody will hate her and if you look at her with indifference all the time that may not help her at all."

"Well, you know what? She never did so shut up, Kurama!" Hiei retorted.

"By the way, you remember that time you asked me for that one plant for her and I gave it to you? Whatever happened to it? Does she still have it?"

"That day I gave it to her to cheer her up because she looked like someone that got put on the fourth floor of an American hotel. She still has it." Slight pause. "Wait... Goddammit Kurama!"

"Ten points to Kurama. Now, I see how it is Hiei... You're embarrassed by all this aren't you?" Yusuke asked mockingly.

"You two can go to hell."

"How cute! He is!" Hiei stormed out in disgust. "Damn it! Where's our entertainment now?"

"Hiei will come back," Kurama replied. "If you're going to make a move on Yukina, he'll be back, Kuwabara."

"Why, does he have the hots for her?" Kuwabara asked, narrowing is eyes. That means he'll be a threat... "Wait... How does that work? He has Mukuro!"

"Oh, you know..." Yusuke drawled.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No!"

"Tell me!"

"NO!"

"TELL MEEE!"

"NOOOOOO!"

OXOXO

Hiei walked into the room which for simplicity is called the sleepy time room because you see Mukuro and Hiei sleeping in there... Among... Other things. Like playing Twister and stuff like that. They have plenty of time to kill. Anyway he walked into the sleepy time room and Mukuro was laying there looking all grey and sad. You know how you leave bread in water and it gets all soggy and nasty? Yeah, that's what she looked like. Hiei wanted to poke her with a stick or something be he thought she would come out of his TV and eat his face when he was watching his Jerry Springer or whatever the Japanese equivalent of it is.

Hiei already knew the answer but he asked THE question anyway, but he was talking to Mukuro so he asked it in Shakespearian terms, "How doust my lady?"

"That I'll try..." She threw a spindle at him. And then she threw the sops in the face of the sexton. How the sexton got in the sleepy time room no one knows.

Hiei got irritated and asked her THE question in normal terms: "Are you alright?"

"Do I look alright?" she grumbled. (Of course by this time the sexton disappeared.) She rolled over so her back was to him. Let's forget how uncomfortable that would be considering what she slept on.

Hiei was going to snap at her and yell, "Bitch you sit down and shut up and you goin eat yo broccoli and you goin like it! STFU!" But considering that it was Mukuro he figured that wouldn't be such a good idea. So he proceeded to recite a beautiful poem, a South Dakota original, "Shit! It's cold!"

She didn't reply. Now she looked like... You know those weird Above The Influence commercials with the kids that are all flattened out because they did drugs and the person with them says all they do is lay around all day? Yeah that's what she looked like. And Hiei looked like the crappy drawings in the other Above the influence commercials. He wanted to give her a big bear hug but he felt that shoved a pin in the balloon of his masculinity. He wanted to do something cutesy just to put a smile on her face because he never saw her do a :) smile just an amused smile, half smile or a HA-HA-HA smile which for the record does NOT count.

"I feel like crap."

He never heard her say the word crap before. Or any curse word for that matter. Unless you count half-assed as one. For the sake of argument let's not count that. He didn't know what possessed him to ask THE OTHER question: "Why?"

"Leave me alone."

"Fine." He walked out. Or she thought he did. She didn't remember hearing the weird Star Trek door open. But she felt like the Easter Bunny on Halloween which for the record is VERY VERY BAD. Anyway...

She got up a couple of hours later because her stomach started to settle. When you're Mukuro and you're stomach is upset everything sucks... Especially when you hide stuff in there for later. So she started to walk around the room before she blew up the empty 7-Up bottle for amusement. She continued her trek around the room contemplating her current situation. Just when she was going to begin her angst monologue something came from the ceiling and yelled out, "BOO!" She freaked out and shot the creature. Once the object was on the ground, she looked at what she shot. "Oh, it's you Hiei. I thought you were someone else."

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Hiei screamed despite the bullet hole in his forehead. Hiei's the main character so he earned the right to regenerate from this kind of thing. Or better yet, he has a bullet proof barrier somewhere in his forehead and Mukuro just shot it.

"You came from the ceiling. Didn't you think I would get even a little surprised?"

"That's the point! That's no reason to shoot me! I was trying to be cutesy to make you feel better and what do you do?!"

"Well let's just say that I don't take things like this too well. You should know better anyway. I'm not feeling it anyway."

Neither did Hiei for that matter. "I'm leaving!"

OXOXO

Yusuke, Kuwabara and Kurama were all hanging out at a bar, drinking and having all this fun. Then in comes Hiei with a bloody bandage on his forehead. The three (along with most of the people who were still somewhat sober) turned around and their eyes followed him until he reached their table.

"What happened?" Kuwabara asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Hiei growled.

"Well it's been four hours since you left us. Did you guys do it? What'd you do with the other two hours and fifty eight minutes?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Did you spend those two minutes fix pipes and stuff?"

"No!"

"Have you ever done it?"

"Hell no."

"Oh come on, Hiei. You do. Everybody does it. You know you do it."

"We don't." Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Oh I see how it is... You're like this... Kurama you be Mukuro."

"Why can't I be Mukuro?" Kuwabara whined.

"Because you suck, lolz. That and Kurama's girly enough and he's got red hair too. So... Shut up! Okay... Anyway Hiei's like..." He leaned on Kurama. "Hey, baby, let's do it."

Kurama felt uneasy. "Let's not."

"Come on..."

"No, leave me alone."

"Fine..." Yusuke got up from the table and walked away.

"Glad that's over." He was about to take solace in his drink when Yusuke came back on jumped on him. "Yusuke! No! Get off!"

"I'm not Yusuke, I'm Hiei. Let's go!"

"No!"

"Calm down girl! Let's do it!"

"Leave me alone!" He shoved him off. "You know, what Yusuke! We're not cool! That's disgusting!"

"It's nothing like that," Hiei growled.

"So what happened then?" Yusuke asked.

"You know what? Fine! She's just moody! Okay?"

"Maybe she's pregnant."

"She can't get pregnant. We haven't even touched each other."

"Sure... I know, give her a hug or something," Kuwabara replied. "That'll cheer her up at least."

"No," Hiei crossed his arms.

"What, cause it's a stain on the underpants of your masculinity?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Even if that weren't disgusting it still would be nothing like that."

"I know. Maybe you should talk. Do you know why she seems upset? And if she says something along the lines of 'nothing' in most cases that would be considered a lie. What I mean by that is that it's best to try to get to the heart of the matter before giving up and staying with the answer you have. But still it's better to at least try," Kurama finished his speech with a long sigh.

"You know what? Fine! I'll do it! I'll talk to her!" Hiei stormed out of the bar though collecting stares.

"...That chick was hot. I'd hit that," a random drunk guy proclaimed.

OXOXO

"Hey, we need to talk," Hiei announced as he walked into the sleepy time room.

"Yes, we do," Mukuro replied. Well she looked better.

"Kurama said we have to talk about feelings and..."

"That's kind of gay, Hiei." Hey that rhymed.

"Forget it! What do you want to tell me?"

"I'm pregnant." Hey, you remember that part when Hiei said they never even touched each other? Yeah, he lied. And it was all hot and steamy and stuff. And here are all the interesting details:

Sometime in the middle of the night (Or maybe it was in the middle of the day. Depends if one of them's suddenly in heat. Kind of makes it sounds like they're a dog or something. But I guess it's not as nasty as just saying they're horny.) And Hiei was like, "Hey let's do it!" and Mukuro was like "WTF, why? I'm sleeping! Leave alone!" So Hiei says back, "I'm smarter than he is!" (Whatever that was supposed to mean.) So they started doing it and it was all hot and steamy. Oh yeah, and Mukuro was screaming because whenever someone's doing it in a fanfic they have to scream at the top of their lungs. What's the deal with that anyway?

So back to the real story:

"What? I thought you said you couldn't get pregnant."

"Well, I can. I did it for the lulz." Say what?

Hiei probably would have panicked but he's not fazed by much. So he asked a very Zen question, a Walt Whitman quality question, "Do you have bread?"

"Uh... Yeah. On that table. There's butter too if you..."

He put butter on the bread and dropped it. It landed butter side down. "Damn." He did it again and it landed in the same fashion. "Damn." Again. "Damn." Again. "Damn." Again...

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