Desperate Measures
Content Rating: PT
Published: 2011-02-03 01:28:47
Tags: Danny Phantom, Parody

Fate can be a cruel mistress. What's a girl to do when she wants desperately to thwart the Powers That Be and defy her destiny?

Author´s Notes and Disclaimers:

Let's see. Do I own Danny Phantom? Nope! Nickelodeon/Viacom/Butch Hartman does. I'm not sure what spawned this little piece of parody madness. I blame all the angst from Jeremiad and the anger from Anathema, my current big fanfic projects. You can only take writing so much of that before you snap. Or maybe when I browse around here and find Sues, it set off some strange chain of thoughts resulting in this blatant parody. Reviews are welcome but not expected. Flames are most certainly welcome and encouraged!

By the way, in case you weren't aware, the PhantomSues blog routinely takes Mary Sue stories and "sporks" them. Generally tearing them apart and making fun of them. You can find it here:

Chapter 1
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Desperate Measures

By: Firefury Amahira

Her name was Stephanie. Stephanie Amahira. She enjoyed a pleasant enough existence for the most part. Her author treated her well, let her play in a wide variety of universes, with a wide variety of people. All she had to do was fuel the daydreams to keep her author awake through the long hours of Geology class. Again, this was not a difficult task, as her author made sure she was well-equipped with the special skills and powers she needed. It was a great deal of fun, actually.

You see, Stephanie Amahira was her author's Mary Sue. Powerful, beautiful, witty, and generally just incredibly well-liked. In her author's mind, at least. So long as she remained happily in her author's daydreams and unpublished crapfiction, she was content. Which is to say that she was unbelievably angry to find herself abruptly thrown into a fanfic and dropped in front of the large brick facade of Casper High.

"... I thought we had a deal!" She screamed at the sky, knowing her author would hear her. "I keep you from passing out in that awful Geology class, and you keep me off the Internet! I'm cyber-phobic! I don't want to be a published Sue! I REFUSE to be a published Sue! I don't want to be seen by a bunch of strangers I don't know!"

Her author didn't answer. The author couldn't make her be a Sue though. Stephanie resolved to just be a normal person. She wouldn't have a damn thing to do with Danny or Sam or any of the other characters. Yeah, that would thwart her author's plans. She couldn't be a Sue if she didn't interact with the characters! Decision made, she spun on her heel to walk away.

And ran smack into Danny Fenton. The impact caused the pair to fall over, Danny with a surprised yelp and Stephanie with an angry growl. "Sorry 'bout that."

"Uh, don't worry about it." The half-ghost climbed back to his feet, by and large unharmed from the impact. After all, he'd gotten accustomed to far greater levels of abuse in the past, the brunette girl running into him was nothing compared to Skulker's walking arsenal or Vlad's hideously annoying ecto-shields.

"Forget you ever saw me." Stephanie got up and prepared to walk away when she felt a shiver and saw an all-too-familiar blue wisp in front of her face. "Gotta go, bye!"

She ran off, muttering curses under her breath as she left a very confused Danny behind. Of course the author would give her ghost powers to try and force her to be a Sue. "I refuse, author!"

Meanwhile, Tucker frowned in thought, checking his PDA. "Weird. I thought I had a list of every girl in the school, but she doesn't match anybody."

"Guys..." Danny's own ghost sense had of course gone off, and he was scanning the area warily, trying to locate whatever had set it off.

"We'll cover you in homeroom." Sam recognized her friend's tone.

Meanwhile, Stephanie disappeared around a corner. "Of course you give me the fun powers, author." She grumbled under her breath. So she had ghost powers, so what? It was her choice to use them, right? She could just as easily choose not to use them and thwart the author that way. She nodded once and walked off to seek some lunch.

Her plan to avoid being a Sue would have worked, but for the fact her author was a persistent one. She heard a yelp before she saw Danny go sailing through the air, the ghost-boy narrowly missing having a second collision with the brunette. She jumped back a few feet, glancing in the direction the teen came flying from. Towering about a hundred feet away stood a ghost. A very big, green, scaly ghost. With really big teeth and really big claws. But no, it wasn't Dora or her brother Aragon.

"... An undead dinosaur?" Stephanie raised an eyebrow as the thing spotted her and advanced. The thing seemed more interested in her than in Danny. "... Oh, great. You're siccing the bad guys on me to force me to be Sueish?"

"Um, you might want to run now." Danny had recovered and floated next to the girl.

Stephanie slapped her forehead, muttered something unpleasant, and ran off. To her dismay, the ghost dinosaur roared loudly and gave chase, slapping Danny aside like a fly. It seemed that if she didn't want to be lunch meat, the brunette would need to fend the monster off herself. After a quick glance around to make sure she was out of sight, she skidded to a stop, dropping into a combat stance.

"Alright already, author!" She growled. The dino plowed around the corner and paused, thrown off by the girl standing there and no longer running.

"Roar?" It tipped its head to the side, massive teeth ready to tear into a tasty Sue snack.

"I'm ripping off a popular cartoon character!" Stephanie declared loudly as a pair of glowing yellow rings appeared around her waist. Her other eyebrow quirked to join the first. "Yellow? Well at least it's not blue-white or black."

She mentally mouthed some decidedly not-G-rated words in her head as the rings passed over her, replacing her black cargo pants and loose black t-shirt with a snug blue bodysuit. With an annoyed sigh she blew her hair out of her face, noting the color was a pale blue. "Ugh, tacky color choices author. Did you even stop to think how I'm supposed to have the powers and junk like that?"

The dinosaur bellowed again, lunging at the girl who sprang easily to one side. One plus to being a Mary Sue was the simple fact that Stephanie could NOT lose this fight. With a battle cry, she launched a brilliant red beam at the giant ghost, blasting a hole clean through it and sending it tumbling to the ground. Stephanie glanced at her still-glowing hands. "Red beams? Come ON, author! Put this story out of its misery already!"

Still, the author refused to respond, and Danny caught up to the short-lived fight, thermos in hand. "What the-?"

Stephanie had a sudden flash of inspiration. "You!" She flew down to where the half-ghost hovered as he zapped the dino into the thermos. "For the love of sanity, use that thing on me!"

"Whoa, what?" Danny backed away in surprise as the apparently nutty ghost lady tried to grab at the thermos. "Who the heck are you?"

"Trust me, it's for your own good. Just seal me up and don't let me out!" Stephanie declared. She darn well couldn't be a Sue if she was locked up in a Fenton Thermos!

"Why?" Danny demanded. After all, most of the time the ghosts he encountered wanted the exact opposite of what the blue-haired girl was demanding.

"Nevermind that!" Stephanie jumped the half-ghost, finally snagging the thermos.

"Hey! Give that back-!" Danny yelped, trying to snatch the device back.

"Just a minute!" Stephanie crowed, unscrewing the lid and pointing the business end of the thing at herself. In a moment the distinctive blue light flared from the aperture of the device, catching the girl full in the face. "In your face, author! HAH!"

Danny stared in confusion as the thermos hit the ground. "Well that was new."

Stephanie thought she had triumphed. Surely the author would give up on the story with her precious Sue locked in a thermos. Her author wasn't beaten yet, unfortunately. A few hours later, Danny arrived home from school and dutifully snuck down to the lab. He had to stuff that dinosaur ghost and the crazy lady back into the Ghost Zone after all!

"Why don't you go play with Skulker in Jurassic Park?" Danny muttered as the dino ghost and the girl were transfered through the portal and into the Ghost Zone.

Stephanie mouthed several choice phrases when she found herself free of the thermos and somewhere in the Ghost Zone. "Don't you get it, author? I don't want to do this! I don't want to be a published Mary Sue! I refuse to be one!"

She got no response as she floated through the strange ghost realm, rapidly getting sick of nothing but the black and green sky and purple doors. She crossed her arms while she pondered her dilemma. She couldn't avoid Danny and his friends- the author would just set up more situations like with the dinosaur ghost and force future encounters. She couldn't just avoid everything by hiding in a thermos. What could she do? She desperately didn't want to be a published Mary Sue- she was so happy just being a daydream Sue, who's sole purpose was to entertain the author and no one else.

"Wait, I know!" Stephanie slapped one fist into her other hand. "Sues aren't usually bad guys! I'll just go help the bad guys out! Where the heck is that giant purple football?"

Taking advantage of her Sue powers and luck, it didn't take her long to navigate through the endless expanse of the Ghost Zone. In short order she was hovering before the giant purple football that poorly camouflaged Vlad's portal. This had to work, the author would never stand her creation being evil!

"Here I go." Stephanie kicked the football aside and darted through the swirling vortex behind it. She landed in the lab beyond the portal, taking in the impressive sight of all manner of gadgets and strange devices. "Wow, guy sure knows how to run with a crazy genius decorative theme."

"I'm glad you appreciate my work, now who are you and what are you doing in my secret lab?" The sly and slightly annoyed voice of the billionaire himself inquired from behind the girl.

"Eep!" Stephanie yelped, whirling to find herself face-to-face with the imposing looking archvillain. "Ur... I mean, wow, Vlad Plasmius, just the guy I was looking for!"

"Looking for?" Vlad raised on eyebrow, red eyes studying the young woman warily.

"I... urm. I've got a bone to pick with the ghost-boy. Danny Phantom, y'know him, right?" Stephanie blurted out. "I want to help you!"

"Help me?" Vlad looked mildly flattered. "I don't generally accept help, you realize."

Stephanie cringed. She knew that the billionaire didn't generally cooperate with anybody. Vlad Masters commanded people. Particularly the ghosts in his employment. She opened her mouth, about to say something to convince the powerful half-ghost to let her stick around when he interrupted her.

"But in this case, I think I shall make an exception." Vlad smiled wickedly, escorting a startled Stephanie away from the portal.

Stephanie realized what was going on and immediately jumped away, landing on the opposite side of the room. "No, that's not in character for you!"

"What are you talking about?" Vlad insisted, studying the way the girl's blue bodysuit hugged her form, clearly emphasizing two of her best features.

Stephanie shrieked in frustration before she flew up through the roof and took off in a random direction. This wasn't working! The author was about to make Vlad act horribly out of character. Her very presence was corrupting everything! She couldn't work with Vlad- the author would have simply made the billionaire magically get over Maddie in favor of her. "Ew. That's just wrong!"

She got herself good and lost in the Wisconsin wilderness as she pondered her predicament. The author was able to counter her attempts at every turn. Stephanie considered her options. Simply avoiding all the established characters had failed to work; the author simply rigged encounters to force her to interact with and corrupt them. Refusing to use her Sue-given powers wasn't an option; the author sent giant ghost lizards to force her to use her abilities in self-defense. A thermos-suicide failed horribly, as Danny would just eject the contents into the Ghost Zone, enabling the author to continue in trying to make her a published Sue. And working with the bad guy backfired horribly; the author bent things around to try and pair her up with the billionaire.

"What do I do? It's like the author wants it to be my destiny or fate to be a published Mary Sue. I don't want to." Stephanie pondered. "Wait, maybe a Sueicide will make the author give up on this stupid story!"

Set on this new and desperate plan, Stephanie jumped back into the air and started the long flight to Amity Park. Sure, it would probably be painful, but the idea of being bared to the whole World Wide Web as a published Mary Sue was far more painful. After awhile, she saw the FentonWorks building looming not far away. A quick check of her watch told her that Danny and Jazz would both be at school, leaving just the people she was looking for home alone.

"BOO!" She screamed as she popped through the wall, startling the daylights out of none other than Danny's parents. "Fear me! Or something! I'm like, evil! Do I even need to say it? Beware!... Man, always wanted to say that."

"GHOST!" The two ghost hunters shouted in unison, both grabbing for ghost-hunting gadgetry. Stephanie just floated there with a smug look on her face. They would undoubtedly shoot her to bits, forcing the story to end with her dignity still mostly intact. Not even Jack could miss her at that close range!

"Eat Fenton Foamer, ghost!" Jack leveled one of the weapons at the girl. Stephanie noticed to herself that the contraption reminded her of a giant great Super Soaker.

Maddie didn't need to say anything, she merely aimed a large chrome and green weapon faintly resembling a retro-style ray gun and pulled the trigger. Stephanie's smug grin dropped a notch when the weapon clicked but did not actually fire. The slender huntress frowned and shook the weapon briefly before trying again. Another click, and no firing. Jack likewise tried to fire his weapon, but only a few green droplets leaked from the weapon's nozzle.

"Jack, did you forget to refill the ecto-foam tank?" Maddie glanced at her husband.

"Of course not-!" Jack hastily checked the aforementioned tank on the weapon. "... Funny, I know it was loaded this morning."

While Stephanie just hovered there with an increasingly annoyed look on her face, the Fentons attempted to shoot her with an increasingly strange variety of weapons. Ecto-guns jammed; goo guns were empty; the Fenton Fisher and the Jack O' Nine Tails tangled uselessly; the Ghost Weasel's bag needed emptying; the Fenton Thermos sprung a huge leak and wouldn't hold anything; and the RV broke down. It was apparent to Stephanie that her planned Sueicide wasn't going to work either. Frustrated, she left the flustered Fentons behind and touched down atop the Nasty Burger.

"Author, knock it off! I mean it! This is just stupid, nobody's going to want to read it, you'll get laughed at and I'll-" Stephanie paused mid-rant as an idea smacked her upside the head. "... That's it!"

Stephanie cupped her hands and shouted loudly. "Stop this stupid fic, author, because I'm going to tell that gal who sporks Suefics about this! I'll take a sporking if it means stopping this!"

Threat issued, she flew to a public library, turning back to normal in the girls' restroom. With a wicked sort of delight, Stephanie logged onto the internet from one of the computers and quickly surfed her way to the website she needed. Technically, that forum shouldn't exist in the world she was in, but she was a Mary Sue. She could break the Fourth Wall like that. And break it she did, posting a call to direct the ill will of the PhantomSues blog upon her author.

"I may be a Mary Sue, author, but I get the last laugh!" Stephanie crowed.

The End

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